My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
