I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
