she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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