I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
