my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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