Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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