well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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