I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
