Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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