dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
