I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
