im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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