Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
