Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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