i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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