I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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