The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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