Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
