if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
