Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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