You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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