I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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