I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize