Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
