I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
