fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
