What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
