he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
