I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
