I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
