I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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