How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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