careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
