I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
