I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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