Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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