just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It was confusing and full of hummus
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.