He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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