Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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