My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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