Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
