You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
