thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
