last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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