pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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