Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
