I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
