I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
