4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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