I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My bed smells like the plague
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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