dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
