The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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