I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
