Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
