You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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