Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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