I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
