I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
