we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
