i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
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Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I want is dick and wine.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.