just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hippo gnu deer
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.