And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
