Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
